By MOLLY DAVIS
Oh, “Jersey Shore,” how I love thee.
You absolutely make my Thursday nights.
Thank you, MTV, for spotlighting the over-muscled, over-tanned, over-gelled (over-everything’ed) existence of seven twenty-somethings staying in Seaside
Heights for the summer.
Or, as it’s known to some, “Sleazeside” Heights.
The cast of the show includes Sammi “The Sweetheart,” Pauly D, Ronnie, Mike AKA “The Situation,” Jenni AKA “Jwoww,” Vinnie and last, but certainly not least, Nicole AKA “Snooki” or “Snickers.”
The girls are tan and scantily clad.
But I really don’t have anything negative to say about the girls.
Snooki is a riot, Sammi is cute, and Jwoww is very entertaining.
Snooki is my favorite – she took a punch in the mouth like a champ, loves pickles and says things like “I friggin’ invented the poof” – referring to her high hair.
JWoww has the attitude of a guy, likes eating sliced deli ham after drinking, and says, “I will rip a guy’s head off after having sex with him.”
Sammi is more of an observer, choosing to stay out of most conflicts (re: barfights) and lie low with her roommate/boyfriend Ronnie.
Which brings us to the other denizens of the house.
The boys.
Sweet fancy Moses, they are ridiculous.
What a mess.
Tatted up, Ed Hardy clad, dancing-like-they’re having a seizure, arrogant cavemen.
They look greasy – literally oily.
I don’t know if it’s hair gel runoff that seeps slowly from their head throughout the night or if they slick themselves up with something.
Out of the four guys, Mike “the situation” is by far the worst.
He offends me, and I am not easily offended.
First, he refers to himself as “The Situation.”
That in itself is laughable.
Yes, you have a six pack.
We know.
Please stop lifting your shirt up.
We get it.
My favorite moment was when Sammi shut him down.
Mike thought he was going to bed her – but she switched it up and went for Ronnie, another roommate.
“The Situation” did not like this turn of events one bit.
He whined, sulked, verbally abused Sammi for her choice, and still expects her to come around and see that he’s the better choice.
Hold your breath, have another Jaeger bomb, and do some more reps at the gym.
It is a “Situation,” as you so eloquently put it EVERY 30 SECONDS.
Only the “Situation” is not a good one.
Mike is very aggressive with the girls he’s trying to bed – way past pushy.
If he didn’t disgust me, I’d pity him for trying too hard.
You know when you’re watching something and you feel embarrassed for the person who’s making an idiot of themselves?
It’s like that.
Only multiplied by 100.
He doesn’t seem to understand the word “no.”
In one instance, he’s trying to get the night’s target into the hot tub, and she says “no,” repeatedly, so he hounds her.
“The girl was lame,” he told the camera, like the girl owed it to him to strip down and get in the jacuzzi because she was in the presence of “The Situation.”
And talks to the camera like the girl’s a b**ch – like she owes him something.
You’re not entitled to anything – the way you spin it in your head like the girl has some sort of deficit for turning you down is pathetic.
Not to mention, delusional.
Take a cue from your male housemates – they are gentleman, and although they too are all about hooking up at the end of the night, they have some dignity and class about it – whereas you have less than none..
If a girl turns him down, in his mind, she’s “hatin’.”
Or she can’t handle him.
It couldn’t possibly be that you’re an unattractive idiot.
If “The Situation” were to read this, he would no doubt feel that I wanted him and was just “hatin.”
Yes, I am “hatin.”
“Hatin” all the way to the nunnery, ’cause if it was between “The Situation” and chastity?
Sign me up, sisters, and point me to my habit.
